A Decade Down Under

I have lived in Australia for ten years, arriving here child-free, pale, and extremely Scottish in January 2016.

Over the years I have collected some observations and facts about Australia, the people and the lifestyle. I hope they may be useful to acclimatising immigrants, or satisfying to curious visitors.

Now that I am legally, culturally, and chemically Australian (via second-hand vegemite absorption), I feel that I’m in a position to share what I’ve learned about this sunburnt country.

Celebrating poolside, as is customary

Coffee

• When you order a long black, the longer you say the word ‘long’ dictates the size of the coffee. The longer you say the word ‘black’ communicates your desired strength.
• Vowel length is really the only way to modify a long black order. If you try to order a ‘large long black’ or a ‘strong long black’, they’ll just give you a flat white!
• My go-to order is a looong blck.

Politics

• Voting in Australia is compulsory, but you can only vote by writing a limerick about your preferred candidate.*
• Elections are the poetry highlight of the year for many, myself included.

Etiquette

• If a barber tells you that some of your eyebrows are “in another postcode”, they are being polite.
• If a stranger tells you to apply sunscreen to your bald spot, they are being polite.
• If a crocodile tells you that you look delicious they are being rude.

Sydney Architecture

• “The Opera House is a splendid edifice and I wish to take nothing away from it, but my heart belongs to the Harbour Bridge. It’s not as festive, but it is far more dominant - you can see it from every corner of the city, creeping into frame from the oddest angles, like an uncle who wants to get into every snapshot.” (Bill Bryson, Down Under, 2000)

Astronomy

• The moon is upside down.

Told you

*Please don’t actually write a poem on a ballot paper. If this blog has shown up for you in a search for voting advice, you’re in the wrong place. Visit the good people over at the AEC.